What is Needed Most in This World?
- Megan Haldane
- Jun 27, 2017
- 6 min read
Why would we ask this question? Because people are vexed and troubled and want to feel better. People want to feel happy and fulfilled.
The most common answer to this question ‘What is most needed in this World?’ comes in one word …’love’. That is what people always say. People are seeking ‘love’, to be loved, to feel love. So, somewhere in there, inside themselves I believe everybody already ‘knows’ love. The problem we all have is that too many things get in the way for us to access the love we already have, the love we already know.
Here are two excerpts from therapy sessions.
THE LOVE OF DANIEL
“So, what is this love?” I ask Daniel. “Well, you know … just pure love.” “No,” I reply “I don’t really know. "what does it feel like?” “Well, you know … just beautiful.” “And when did you last feel this love?” I ask. “Well, not for quite a while … aah, probably when I was going out with Michelle.” “Oh,” I say, “that kind of love… the romantic and conditional kind of love.” “What do you mean? How could you say that? At the time it was very real. We really loved each other.” “And now?” I enquire. “Well, that was some time ago now but we ended up having a lot of difficulties in our relationship. Michelle ended up being attracted to another guy and then we split.” “Is she still with this ‘other guy’, do you know?” I ask. “I think so. I don’t really know.” “So, where did her love go? Away from you and toward him? Would that be right?” “I guess so. I never thought of it like that.” ” … and what about your love?” I enquire. “Well, I guess I never really feel it anymore. I did almost, with this other girl I went out with for a while but nothing developed.” “Even though you don’t feel the love any more do you think it is still there, inside you?” I ask. “Of course, it must be.” Daniel says. “So you go through loveless days and nights. Do you really have to wait for another young woman to come along to feel the love … you cannot have even the potential for love until SHE appears?” Daniel lifts his head and looks at me with the wriest of smiles. Now, that was a beautiful … and love tinged moment. “I love my DOG!” was his retort.
CECILE AND JASON
“I love Jason to death,” Cecile told me, “but most of the time he is just so hard to deal with.” Jason, aged 2 years and three months is sitting in the corner interested in an array of toys. “What happens?” I ask his Mother. “He cries a lot. He complains a lot. He is so demanding.” “Crying a lot, complaining a lot means he is unhappy in those moments. That is pretty normal and understandable. What is it that he demands of you?” I ask. “Well, for one thing he always wants to be picked up and carried. He demands my attention constantly. I am surprised he has not come over to me away from those toys yet. He always wants food. He does not usually sit and occupy himself for long. He follows me around the house all day with his arms outstretched and crying. I feel dreadful because I have to ignore him just to get things done. I work from home so I am very busy and I do not get a break all day, not until his father comes home.” “What happens then?” “Well, then Jay is all happiness and light because he can get all the attention he wants. Sometimes that makes me feel mad or jealous or something …. not that I don’t love him to bits but I do feel a bit guilty by the end of the day.” “I understand how Jason’s demands are harrowing but why does he demand your attention so much?” I ask. “I think he is extra needy.” Cecile replies “Maybe that is true. Does he eat the food he demands from you?” I ask “No, never. I think he just wants the attention.” “What in particular do you think he is asking for within this demand for attention, since he does not really want the food?” I ask As if on queue, little Jason comes toddling to his Mother with his arms outstretched. Cecile picks him up, sits him on her knee and faces him toward me. Jason squirms and tries to turn towards his Mother. Cecile forces him to face me and I suggest she lets him face her directly. “He’ll only start crying.” Cecile says. “That is OK.” I say, “Let him cry to you. He wants to tell you something.” Cecile looked at me questioningly but she followed my suggestion. I noticed as Jason cried, Cecile did not look at him directly. She held him and patted him a little but she never looked at his face. As I was noticing this, Jason suddenly threw his head back as though to have a tantrum and began hitting Cecile’s face. Cecile grabbed his hand quite forcefully to stop him from hitting her. I intervened and picked Jason up and put him onto the floor leaning his head into Cecile’s lap. Jason sobbed. Cecile had a tear in her eye. We stayed quiet for a while and then Cecile picked Jason up and cuddled him fully into her chest. I asked Cecile to describe Jason’s eyes to me. “Well, I know they are blue.” she said. “He has beautiful eyes.” “So what do his eyes say to you most of the time?” I enquired. “Ummmm, well, … what do you mean?” Cecile said, rolling her eyes upward as though to look at her own. “You know,” I said. “Some say the eyes are the window to the soul … or to the heart.” By now little Jay was asleep snuggled into his Mother’s chest. “Oh my gosh!” Cecile exclaimed. “I have to tell you, I can’t even answer that question. Actually we both avoid eye contact. I have not seen into his eyes for a long time. Oh my gosh! I am too scared to look. Do I have to do it now?” “No,no, no!” I said. “Just stay as you are. Let Jason rest” Tears flowed down Cecile’s cheeks. She was in shock. I knew what she was thinking. She was totally preoccupied with trying to imagine what Jason’s eyes looked like. Sadly she could not produce a visual image because there was no experience to draw on. Then she told me of her difficulty in becoming a Mother. She told me many things about her shock at not being instantly in love with Jay. His Father Rob was totally in love with him and that had contributed to her feeling hopeless and guilty a lot of the time. She had never felt strong feelings of love for Jay and she had never disliked him either. She had just remained somewhat disconnected. She came to see very quickly that Jay felt the same with her also, quite disconnected, hence his strong need in the demand for ‘connection’ with her. Over some months Cecile was able to give more time to Jay. She developed a stronger bond by learning to play with him, all the while encouraging him to have eye contact with her and she maintained eye contact with him. She already knew that she and her own Mother had always had difficulties with their relationship and of course came to know that they could not look at each other either … even to that day. It took time but everything improved dramatically for Cecile. She cut down her at home working hours because she wanted to and could afford to. She learned to enjoy playing with Jason and being with him, connecting with him more directly. She learned to relax and give to herself more. When she finally came to describe Jason’s eyes to me she told me that all she could see was his need and his love. This was her turning point. He was needing her love and to give his love. She could see that. He needed the love of a Mother who spent most of her time with him but in many ways avoided him. Over the years I have seen Cecile from time to time. She has decided not to have another child and is constantly learning about how a human develops through her relationship with Jay. She feels a lot of love and affection with him. He is a bright and thoughtful child and she exclaimed to me one day that she does not ‘love him to death’ as she had proclaimed so passionately when she first met me. She says she has ‘loved him to life’ which is not too far from the truth from my point of view.
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